Polite Messages: An Exercise in Interpersonal Communication

This exercise is designed to help explain the concept of politeness in terms of positive and negative face (Brown & Levinson, 1987; Cupach & Metts, 1994; Goffman, 1967; Goldsmith, 2007; Holmes 1995; Metts & Cupach, 2008).

To Know

In Brown and Levinson’s (1987) theory of politeness, based in part on Goffman’s (1967) concept of face, we all have basically two needs: (1) the need to maintain positive face and (2) the need to maintain negative face. Positive face refers to the desire to be viewed positively by others, to be thought of favorably, to be held in high esteem. Negative face refers to the desire to be autonomous, to have the right to do as you wish, to not be imposed upon.

Politeness in interpersonal communication, then, refers to behavior that allows others to maintain both positive and negative face; and impoliteness refers to behaviors that attack either positive face (for example, you criticize someone) or negative face (for example, you make demands on someone).

To help another person maintain positiveface, you speak respectfully to and about the person, you give the person your full attention, you say “excuse me” when appropriate. In short you treat the person as you would want to be treated. In this way you allow the person to maintain positive face through what is called positive politeness. You attack the person’s positive face when you speak disrespectfully about the person, ignore the person or the person’s comments, and fail to use the appropriate expressions of politeness, such as “Thank you” and “Please.” It is attacks on positive face—sometimes called FTAs for Face Threatening Acts—that the term dissing is meant to capture. Made popular in the 1980s in rap music, the term refers to a form of impoliteness in which you criticize, act rudely, insult, put down, offend, or disrespect another person, verbally and/or nonverbally. It attacks a person’s positive face needs, the need to be approved of, to be respected.

To help another person maintain negative face, you respect the person’s right to be autonomous and so you request, rather than demand, that they do something; you say, “Would you mind opening a window” rather than “Open that window!” You might also give the person an “out” when making a request, allowing the person to reject your request if that is what the person wants. And so you say, “If this is a bad time, please tell me, but I’m really strapped and could use a loan of $100” rather than “You have to lend me $100.” If you want a recommendation, you might say, “Would it be possible for you to write me a recommendation for graduate school?” rather than “You have to write me a recommendation for graduate school.” In this way you enable the person to maintain negative face through what is called negative politeness.

To Do

Indicate how each of the following examples is impolite in terms of attacking positive and/or negative face by filling in as many boxes as you can in no more than 10 minutes.

Behaviors	Violation of Positive Face Needs	Violation of Negative Face Needs
1.      Failure to return the eye brow flash.
2.      Not indicating liking or +1 for a friend’s post.
3.      Criticizing another’s religious beliefs.
4.      Texting during dinner with a romantic partner.
5.      Cat calls.
6.      Asking for a favor.
7.      Interruptions which take over the speaker’s turn.
8.      Walking into another’s office without knocking.
9.      Not using normally expected honorifics such as Dr., Professor, General, or Officer.
10.  Accusing someone of some misdeed.

To Discuss

After all have completed this exercise, discussion might center on such issues as these:

1.      Under what circumstances can each of these behaviors become less impolite?

2.      Do you notice a gender difference in the use of these behaviors? If so, in what specific ways?

3.      What are some other examples of behaviors that violate our face needs?

To Read [References]

1.       Brown, P., & Levinson, S. C. (1987). Politeness: Some universals of language usage. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

2.       Cupach, W. R., & Metts, S. (1994). Facework. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

3.       Goffman, E. (1967). Interaction ritual: Essays on face-to-face behavior. New York, NY: Pantheon.

4.       Goldsmith, D. J. (2007). Brown and Levinson’s politeness theory. In Explaining communication: Contemporary theories and exemplars(pp. 219–236), B. B. Whaley & W. Samter (eds.). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

5.       Holmes, J. (1995). Women, men and politeness.New York, NY: Longman.

6.       Metts, S., & Cupach, W. R. (2008). Face theory. In Engaging theories in interpersonal communication: Multiple perspectives(pp. 203–214), L. A. Baxter & D. O. Braithwaite (eds.). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

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Confirmation Examples

Here's an interesting piece that is intimately related to much of what we talk about in interpersonal communication. Unfortunately its title may lead those interested in communication to ignore--"10 things your girlfriend needs to hear you say". Briefly, the suggestions are: I'm proud of you, I love being with you, thank you, can I help you, I missed you, have fun, you look beautiful, you can do it, I'm sorry, and please. These are all perfect examples of confirmation and "cherishing behaviors" and should help make concepts that are often overly abstract, more concrete and useful. Many are also good examples of politeness--another indication that politeness is an essential component of interpersonal communication, though ignored in many of our textbooks.
http://www.bestdatingsites.org/blog/2011/10-things-your-girlfriend-needs-to-hear-you-say/

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Politeness as an Interpersonal Relationship Theory

This brief discussion of politeness as an interpersonal relationship theory comes from my Interpersonal Communication Book but I thought that those using Interpersonal Messages or Essentials of Human Communication might also find this relevant. 

Another approach to relationships looks at politeness as a major force in developing, maintaining, and deteriorating relationships. Politeness theory would go something like this: Two people develop a relationship when each respects, contributes to, and acknowledges the positive and negative face needs of the other and it deteriorates when they don't.

Positive face is the need to be thought of highly, to be valued, to be esteemed. In more communication terms, respect for positive face entails the exchange of compliments, praise, and general positivity. Negative face is the need to be autonomous, to be in control of one's own behavior, to not be obligated to do something. In more communication terms, respect for negative face entails the exchange of permission requests (rather than demands), messages indicating that a person's time is valuable and respected, and few if any imposed obligations. It would also entail providing the other person an easy "way out" when a request is made.

Relationships develop when these needs are met. Relationships will be maintained when the rules of politeness are maintained. And relationships will deteriorate when the rules of politeness are bent, violated too often, or ignored completely. Relationship repair will be accomplished by a process of reinstituting the rules of politeness.

Politeness, of course, is not the entire story; it's just a piece. It won't explain all the reasons for relationship development or deterioration but it explains a part of the process. It won't explain, for example, why so many people stay in abusive and unsatisfying relationships. Its major weakness seems to be that politeness needs for specific individuals are difficult to identify--what is politeness to one person, may be perceived as rude or insensitive to another.

And, perhaps not surprisingly, politeness seems to be relaxed as the relationship becomes more intimate. As the relationship becomes more intimate and long-lasting, there is greater license to violate the normal rules of politeness. This may well be a mistake, at least in certain relationships.  Our needs for positive and negative face do not go away when a relationship becomes more intimate; they're still there. If the definitions of politeness are themselves relaxed by the individuals, then there seems little problem. There is a problem when the definitions--relaxed or original--are not shared by the individuals; when one assumes the acceptability of something generally considered impolite as o.k. while the other does not.

When people in relationships complain that they are not respected, are not valued as they used to be when they were dating, and that their relationship is not romantic, they may well be talking about politeness. And so, on the more positive side, this approach offers very concrete suggestions for developing, maintaining, and repairing interpersonal relationships, namely: increase politeness by contributing to the positive and negative face needs of the other person.

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Politeness

http://www.babysitters.net/blog/10-ways-to-teach-kids-common-courtesy/

Here's a great list of ways to teach basic politeness to kids. In many ways, these are common communication principles and will fit in well with the emphasis on politeness.

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Politeness on the phone

In a continuing effort to integrate politeness into my communication textbooks and into communication generally, here is a useful set of guidelines for teaching children proper phone etiquette.

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